GOLF.
More specifically, golf etiquette.
Even more specifically, my preferred public golf course etiquette and some things to keep in mind.
So sit back, relax. I promise to try not to be a condescending douche.
RULE #1. You. Are. Not. Tiger. Woods.*
* If you are Tiger Woods, please carry on and thanks for visiting Spaghettios and Baseballs!
Also, that's the only rule because I don't feel like making rules.
So now that we got that out of the way, on to.....
Tim's Grand Theory of Golf Etiquette
which sounds cool and big and awesome, but really is almost exactly what you should have been taught the first time someone convinced you to pick up a set of clubs
Let's start with attire.
Most courses require that you at least have a collared shirt on. That should be your go to item. If you aren't sure, call ahead. In fact, really I'd be happy if you just automatically assumed collared shirt and left your dirty college orientation t-shirt at home. Outside of that, do whatever makes you happy. You want to rock a flat-brim and full on orange ensemble a la Ricky Fowler? Great, more power to you. Same thing with those crazy pink John Daly pants (although I hope you get it past the ladies tee in those, otherwise your friends are going to give you a pretty hard time). Finally, you don't need golf shoes, but...
1) They'll help your game.
2) You likely spent a couple hundred bucks on clubs...what is another $80 for good shoes?
Congratulations, you're dressed to golf, and I'm not embarrassed for you!
Let's walk through a "typical" hole and talk about what you should be doing. For sake of completeness, let's say you're on hole 3 now, you tee'd off with no one behind your foursome, and a twosome has now caught you at the 3rd tee.
Let the twosome play through. There is no way you're going to play faster than them, and they don't want to spend the whole day sitting in their cart watching you hit while their beers get warm. Now I know you're saying, "Tim. This is a no brainer." And I'm saying "Guys, I play golf. This needs to be said again. I'm sorry, it's not your fault." What if he's a single and you're a group of two or three? You have two options - let him play through or offer him a spot in your group. If play is slow in front of you (lots of foursomes) I recommend having him join. It will slow your group down and keep you off the next group's back, and you'll get to meet someone. If he/she says no, just let the player play through. Easy.
Okay great, that twosome played through (That tall kid w/ the plaid shorts murdered that drive didn't he), and now you're teeing off. If the course is busy, have the shortest hitter hit first (forget that "honors" stuff). That way by the time you get up there, mister 315, little Jimmy and Johnny are probably at the green and you're not gonna have to explain to Mrs. Jimmy and Johnny why your colossal drive killed both of her sons.
Also, try to keep an eye on nearby holes because God knows the chance is 100x higher that your ball is going onto one of those. You may need to yell fore. Finally, if you aren't hitting, spot for the guy who is. I'm pretty good at tracking other people's shots. However, I am literally garbage at following my own, especially off the tee.
Okay so now we're leaving the tee. If you're walking, start walking straight to your ball. If you're driving, don't be afraid to drop your partner off at his and then go to yours. The goal here is to play ready golf. While it is courteous to stay behind the person currently hitting, it's slow. Be the judge of your own safety and advance forward as far as you can. Once you get to your ball, get into your pre-shot routine instead of watching everyone hit. Obviously, you want to be sure you're not going to get hit, but once you're out of the danger zone there is no reason to waste time. I don't personally care how long (within reason) your pre-shot routine is. Do what you need to do to hit your shot. Once you've hit, pick up and move on. Of course, repair divots
Congrats! You've made it to the green. Arguably the most important thing on the course. Sadly, this is when people like to forget Rule #1.
First, let's do a quick talk about taking care of your greens. As I said, the green is the most important part of the golf course. Just think how mad you get when someone's ballmark or footprint messes up your line. So, please, don't run on them. Don't slam your putter when you miss a putt. Really don't drive near them (If you're driving or rolling your cart on them, please just leave. We don't want you) And for crying out loud FIX YOUR BALLMARKS. Having mowed greens at 5:45 in the morning in the dark (so you early risers could get out before breakfast), I can tell you what happens when you don't fix that ballmark. I do my little recon lap while I pull the pin, but it's dark still, so I don't see your ballmark. I start mowing, and the next thing I know, your little ballmark is now one big grassless scalped spot. This is bad. It looks bad and plays bad. And I (or really, the 16 year old kid making minimum wage) get in trouble because you're a jack ass. Take care of the greens.
Okay, so now we're putting. Ready golf rules apply again. Do what you need to do to find your line (within reason...don't walk 3 laps of the green). Avoid walking in other player's lines. The closest person to the pin should pull the pin, while the furthest guy should be ready to putt. If you're close, just finish out your putt instead of re-marking and waiting for the next furthest guy. I promise you that if you think less about a 2 foot putt, you will make it WAY more often.
Great, you finished putting - clear off the green quickly so the next group can hit. Finally, write your scores down at the next tee box.
Finally a few general pointers.
1) talk quietly if you can, other people are golfing too
2) Don't talk during another golfer's backswing
3) If you go onto someone else's hole, try your best to get in and hit out quickly.
4) Be respectful of ground under repair, and especially respectful of the maintenance workers on the course. I spent 3 years at a golf course doing maintenance. I've been hit once and nearly hit a few other times. Just because they're wearing hard hats doesn't mean you don't have to yell fore. Don't be a dick. It takes a ton of hard work to keep a course in good shape day in and day out. We'd love a compliment on the course, and we'll pass along constructive criticism.
Great, see that wasn't so bad. Now go out and shank a few balls and drink a few beers. Have some fun, because that's what it's all about folks.
If you have any additions or comments, drop them in the comments section. I'd love to hear some feedback.
